selfish

Yeah selfish, a lot of the base of my problems. I don't want to reveal too much or expose myself to criticism. Heck why would I want to do that? I might alter my outlook and learn how to be a person.

I am so down on everything. I've completely run out of people and facts and past dealings to blame. Jeez what a pain in the ass. I'm really all _today's the first day of your life_ and I just can't make myself get the hell out of bed.

Work work work is such a wavering cloud or presence, I feel like working is a small death every time I consider getting my butt in gear. I don't want to recall anything really positive about work. I've just done it to get things and drink things and it simply isn't a real goal anymore.

I'm the only one who can make myself happy or pleased or content and know it.

July 4th

I spent the whole weekend doing nothing.

Ruminating about the past and drinking and smoking. Avoided helping out a buddy do another (late) buddy's job, after I pretty much agreed to it. Sort of slipped out of it because no one called to verify things.

I'm lazy. I can't make up my mind and follow though. I have no career though I played at being self-employed now, for 10 or 15 years. I haven't the slightest idea what the heck I want to do, short of making money and surviving.

Surviving is all I've done, there's no joy or real challenge in that.

I have a college degree that I paid for but never ever used for anything.