good God

I am in a dark place. Spent money I don;t have and not in a motivated place.

Lazy and down. All on my own head. Gotta a bike I can barely pay for and depressed. Bills stacking up and I'm almost frozen in place.

My sister would lend me money if I asked.

dream

"Dad is trying to help me go to sleep. Odd or else he's trying to be a father and I don't know what. He's manipulating (chiropractic) me or something, then slips into bed, spooning me. And starts to get a little aggressive.(?)

I remove his hand and finally sit up and order him to leave." I seriously doubt anything like this ever happened that's why the dream is so strange. But it does point to a lack of respect that I've finally realized.

Last night I was operating a mobile crane, removing a piece of equipment from another crane. I wasn't completely free to take, But somehow I removed and 'walked' with the load into a sort of  corner. Or else moved the crane so I didn't have a proper line-of-sight to continue the pick.

-The second part was detailing the proper repair on a winch on a golf cart. The winch cable ran through the the cart and out the rear, with assorted sheaves. I was instructing a student and I was very patient and detailed.

Aging is the crap

I'm getting older and I don't like it. At all. Nothing I can do about it. But moping about it is pretty foolish, eh.

comparing

Habit I always seem to fall back on, all the time. Destroys any good thinking I may have going on. It's a flipping sidetrack. Get past it, don't do it. Look at something else.

What if I did have a different mother or a different father, I'd still be who I am wouldn't I? Some of this oddball, erroneous thinking has to be avoided. I can't change these things, why do I let my thoughts wander?

frustration

I don't want to have any frustration. Kind of a erring way to look at things, there will always be frustration.

Ran out on Larry today. Fixing his car, needs a new part because I didn't want to expend hours to fix the errant part. Hours I won't get paid for. But on the other hand I owe him for what he's extended to me over the years. Part will be in Monday and no car for the weekend.

I left and he was mad as hell. I did stop for some groceries, and went home to drink a beer and make this post. So now I'm stating at the clock and going to surf the net. Gotta get my stuff up to par.

trust

I keep shying away from living. Fear. Like one can absolve it in a swipe of the hand. Probably not, but I already know that. I'm still trying to be a lot of things instead of picking and choosing what I can do.
I spend time, not a lot though, determining that my upbringing/ parents are to blame for. Comparing and judging.

I do have friends, I just choose to try wheedling attention from them. They aren't fools, but I'm try to be. They have their lives to live, I should live mine.

Respect

Ya respect. Something I didn't seem to get much of as a kid. (excuses for my poor performance even now)

The woman that I can't seem to figure where, she is. Is still in my life. Damn red-haired beauty, who knows she may weigh a couple of hundred pounds by now and live for church. Dear God I hope not. That would be a travesty, but I'm not taking any chances? What chances, I don't take any now.

Well what a fine corner you're still painted into. I keep chasing sex, I need to master sex, but do I? Love? Yeah I've got love down pat. Real good at that, but I don't need to chase that -I know where that is. Dammit.