downs and ups

I'm certainly on a down right now. I've slipped, pretty much, into a self deprecating, and lazy place.

My friends aren't calling me like I always managed to get them too? I'm in control of things? No. No, that's not going over very big anymore. Or at least right now. I'm living in sort of a fantasy world where I think I get to call the shots in my life.

The same place I find myself in when I "don't wanna do" much of anything. A real lack of responsibility. Not a healthy palce, and I know it, but I'm not pulling myself out of it.

I've gone on and on making absolutely no rational excuses, just not grasping how to live my life I guess.

Now I'm tapping away trying to make some record of my inaction and not doing that well either.

Trying to rationalize my pity behavior. My 'no risk' path in life. Who can I blame today behavior. Foolhardy at best.

I have plenty of work to do and I'm waiting. Waiting to feel like doing the work that's already there. Boring work is all I manage to bring myself to think about. Why, for crying out loud.

God, I'm almost tiptoeing through my time right now. Trying to not make a bother of myself. How silly that is, but that's what I'm doing. I think I don't want to upset people, when it's living my life that I need to do.

The inverse, obverse, other side of my feelings I don't use to much gain is a high where I can't or don't concentrate on making progress in endeavors either.

I make grand and studious assessments of what I can do. Start making those plans and relatively quickly roll up the carpet on those as well.

Concentration, goal setting, confidence, friendliness, boldness. All attributes I have and don't attempt to rely on when I don't feel like it. I know I could grasp and use those things when I'm down, but I don't want to hurt myself. Oh grand.

Not hurt myself isn't a very lucid way of looking at the situation. It's the act of stepping into the unknown that frightens me. And everything isn't 'that' unknown. Sometimes it's unfamiliar. Why do I do this?